For every generation, there are a handful of groups that keep rock chugging along as it should.
These groups are few in number and have the daunting challenge of trying to make money while 'artists' like Ke$ha or Rebecca Black become famous with questionable talent (see below).
You may have heard of a few of these bands. I didn't include any that have already done their share in keeping rock alive.
Now its up to the following bands to show the world what real music sounds like (in no particular order):
1) Bombay Bicycle Club's "Evening/Morning" off of their first album -
It takes a real man to pull off short shorts like that.
2) We Were Promised Jetpacks' "Quiet Little Voices" -
The lead singer has an Enrique Iglesias mole so you know he'll be famous.
3) The Vaccines' "Norgaard" -
Any quality song under two minutes garners my respect.
4) If you've made it this far through the list, prepare to be pleasantly surprised.
Young The Giants' "Cough Syrup" -
I highly recommend checking out their entire self-titled album.
Too often I buy a CD or download one and only end up liking two or three songs. To help everyone else avoid this, I've compiled a rather extensive list of albums that I enjoy throughout their duration.
And while I may skip an interlude here or there or skip ahead to my favorite song on the CD, for the most part, I've listened to the following CDs enough to know the order of the songs by heart.
I don't want to make this too lengthy so here is part one of my list (more to come):
All the cool kids suck the cancer stick
1) Arctic Monkeys, "Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not"
The Arctic Monkey's first album is by far their best. Largely regarded as the first band to become popular thanks to the internet, this Sheffield quartet provided the perfect amount of rock to get me through the stress every 15-year-old goes through.
Like getting your driving learners permit or maybe even kissing a girl.
Top Tracks: "A View From The Afternoon", "Mardy Bum", "A Certain Romance".
The Crib's second album suffered no sophomore slump. Because of this album alone, they are one of my favorite bands.
This is the trio at their finest, upbeat riffs and contrasting vocals make the listener think that there are more than just three people playing music.
But enough of my opinion, listen to this gem for yourself.
Top Tracks: "Our Bovine Public", "Girls Like Mystery", "Men's Needs"
Eryka Badu Kente Tribe Represent!
3) A Tribe Called Quest "The Anthology"
OK, so I'm kind of cheating on this one since it is a greatest hits album. At the same time, just because your band has a greatest hits record, that doesn't always mean I'll enjoy it.
That means you, Nickelback.
This album was the first to get me into listening to rap. Q-Tip and Phife Dawg continue to blow my mind with flow like nothing I've ever heard before.
Top Tracks: "Check The Rhime", "Can I Kick It?", "Buggin' Out".
After re-watching that video, I volunteer myself to bring back jean shorts. So versatile yet stylish.
Shuffling through songs on my iPod is pretty hit or miss. For every song that I love that comes on, there is an interlude from a rap album or a short medley that didn't quite develop into a full song. There are a good amount of songs that I never skip but I doubt you want to struggle through my top 100 or so songs that I never skip.
Here is my most recent collection of non-skippable songs in no particular order:
Because you can't "taste the rainbow" through your computer screen, I've decided to provide a great list of color-based songs. Colors are used pretty frequently in song titles so finding a great song with the major colors wasn't very difficult. Orange on the other hand...
In ROYGBIV order:
"99 Red Balloons", Goldfinger -
Sorry to all of you Nena fans out there, I like Goldfinger's cover better than the original.
"Color Orange orange song", The Frog Street Press -
If you actually watched that one, I feel bad. Sorry, but it will be stuck in your head all day. What's really scary is that The Frog Street Press made a video like, "Color Orange orange song" for each color. But you're in luck, for I am a merciful blogger (and I think we all know how to spell our colors by now).
"Yellow Sun", The Raconteurs -
One of Jack White's many bands. I think he could join a mariachi band and sell out arenas instantly.
"Greenshirt", Elvis Costello -
I'm definitely naming my future son Elvis. But only if he becomes a famous front man.
"Mr Blue Sky", ELO -
ELO's fans have been petitioning to get them into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. If ABBA is in the Hall of Fame, I certainly think ELO should be.
Sorry to disappoint you, but Indigo and Violet don't have any great songs of their own. Unless you want to listen to Hole or Coldplay, go for it.
Now for another song for my largest reader demographic, kindergartners:
Before I begin, I would like to thank James Neumann for this new look. So sleek. So classy.
I first became aware of coning in mid-July when I, an innocent Chick-Fil-A employee, was coned. I thought it was hilarious despite being the victim.
To start off, here is a classic coning attack:
Here's why coning doesn't bother me:
1) You've already paid for the ice cream, what you do with it is up to you.
2) It doesn't harm the employee in any way.
3) It's funny.
Unfortunately, not everyone shares my opinion:
Someone takes being manager of a McDonalds a little too seriously...
On the other hand, there is a less popular drive-through prank which was featured on tosh.o which is pretty annoying (but still a little funny).
I present to you "Fire In The Hole"
Just make sure you cover your license plate kids because this offense can get you arrested.
It might just be me, but I would rather be arrested for a more important cause... like jaywalking.
There is a reason movies like 8 Mile or Save the Last Dance are successful. They both feature a main character doing something they are not supposed to be good at.
Anything having to do with rhythm or flow is often foreign in a white person's culture. The following performers show that there are a select few that can make you forget their skin color.
From most expected to have rhythm to the least I have compiled an entertaining list of those who make people like me jealous for being able to execute a dance move other than the robot.
Or those who can rap/sing over a funky beat and not sound like a stiff, uncomfortable businessman.
Number one on the countdown goes to the Black Keys' project band Blakroc:
1) Blakroc's "Ain't Nothing Like You (Hoochie Coo)"
For these two white guys to produce a bumping rap beat is impressive to say the least. Now if they rapped the verses too, I would've been blown away. I think they can be forgiven though considering the quality of music the Black Keys produce.
2) Some crazy drummer:
He's got some serious moves considering he's the drummer for a middle aged cover band. Thanks to him I was able to ignore those golden jackets and focus completely on his drum playing which is like nothing I have ever seen.
3) Jamie Lidell's "Little Bit Of Feel Good":
Now if you had to guess where this guy is from what would you say.......?
England? I didn't think so. When I first heard this song I had no idea what he looked like and just figured he was the next Prince. I guess you could call him Prince's prince.
4) Beastie Boys' "So What'cha Want"
OK so three guys from New York get together to form a rap group. No big deal. How about three white guys with their roots in hard rock? Ya, the Beastie Boys are the coolest band ever. And are still going strong. I don't think it would be a stretch for me to say that no other trio of white people will have anywhere near the success the Boys have had.
5) Matisyahu beat boxing off his "Live at Stubb's" album:
I'll let Wikipedia do the talking for the source of Matisyahu's unexpected talent: "Matthew Paul Miller (born June 30, 1979), better known by his Hebrew name and stage nameMatisyahu (Hebrew:מתתיהו) is an AmericanHasidic Jewishreggae musician." That's quite the combination.
Now we just need an Amish person to make it big and my list will be complete.
Ah, to be a famous athlete. In peak physical condition, making millions of dollars, and becoming so famous people on the other side of the world wear jerseys with your name on it.
But like any celebrity, having seemingly everthing is never enough. Thanks to this sentiment, many athletes have tried their luck in the music industry with mixed results.
Did any of them make the wrong career choice? I'll let you be the judge.
1) Baseball player Bronson Arroyo covers "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls:
Hmm I guess they should've worked on those chords a little more in practice. No one wants to go to a concert and hear a song restart.
2) Boxer Manny Pacquiao featuring some comedian covering John Lennon's "Imagine":
Unlike the Arroyo video, I actually sat through the whole thing. If you want to see a better Pacquiao performance, check his rendition of, "Sometimes When We Touch." Or just watch him knock people out.
3) An original song by Shaq. This one is brilliantly titled, "Shoot Pass Slam."
He really went out of his element with this one. A basketball player rapping about basketball? Unheard of.
4) Los Angeles Laker's Forward Ron Artest's, "Champions."
No one can doubt that Mr. Artest has passion. Anyone who saw his antics which had him suspended for the rest of the 2004 season, can attest to that. This video has over 1 million views and is featured on the most recent installment of the NBA 2k series.
But in case you forgot what made him a household name, prepare to be amazed:
He knew what he was doing. Every rapper needs to get some street cred from somewhere. Ron achieved his by going into a bull-like rage and attacking anyone who looked at him the wrong way.
If you grew up in the 90's and had access to a computer, you probably played some version of the Backyard sports series. Personally, I started with Backyard Baseball 2001.
Humongous Entertainment, the game's developer was very aware of social stereotypes. Understandably, this may have gone over your head.
Allow me to educate you on the fine arts of being politically incorrect.
1) Pablo Sanchez
The first pick for my team no matter which version of Backyard sports games, Pablo Sanchez was exceptional in every game. He could pitch, catch, and hit a home run everytime. After every home run, his latin-styled music would play as he rounded the bases.
Because of his hispanic name, the developers decided to make sure he could speak no english. They did include a cheat however. If you hold the shift key while viewing his profile, he speaks in english.
Oh, and he's the shortest player in the game.
2) Pete Wheeler
Simple Pete. Basically Forest Gump in a video game.
He's really fast, really dumb, and not much else.
The game's developers must have thought, "We have some great characters, but we need a redneck!"
3) Kenny Kawaguchi
Let me start this one out by saying I feel bad for Kenny. At least his name is an alliteration. Moving away from the race card, Kenny's stereotype is of a different flavor.
Kenny is the only handicapped player in the game. Instead of making him really good, maybe giving some hope to some handicapped children who play the game, Humongous decided to make his attributes realistic. His speed is lacking, has virtually no power, and is a lackluster fielder.
At this point, they must have felt (slightly) bad for him because they made him a good pitcher.
Those are only the most obvious. Humongous did a great job including every race. Kids need to be educated as early as possible about what they should expect when encountering every type of person.
For your pleasure, I have scoured the internet and put together a top 5 unlike any other. The following men have two things in common.
One, they have incomparable skill at their respective sports. I'm talking things that would drive the average person crazy because even if you practiced everyday, you would have half their talent.
And two, they actually look like they are having fun doing it. Contrary to popular belief, you can still have fun while playing a sport even if you don't win.
Don't be fooled, although all of these athletes make it look easy, even a caveman couldn't do it.
5) Wiffleball Pitcher, unknown name
No mercy for the fat guy. Sad, but hilarious. Not that I or anyone else could hit those lightning-speed crazy-moving pitches. Since he has no given name in the video description there is only one solution. He's a freak wiffleball playing alien.
4) Football, Johnny Mac
I like the one where he throws the football really far and hits exactly where he meant to.
That guy holding the program at the beginning had to of hurt his hand.
3) Soccer, Jeremy Lynch
Balancing a round object (soccer ball) on another round object (human head) is never easy. Or even fun to attempt. Go ahead, get a soccer ball and stabalize it on your head for more than 3 seconds.
2) Tennis, Mansour Bahrami
Try to watch that video without smiling. Actually don't waste your time. I would pay more money to watch him play a comedic match than I would to watch the final at Wimbledon. Like $25 max though, because I'm broke.
1) Basketball, The Harlem Globetrotters
The original sports comedy act. Dating as far back as 1927, the Globetrotters attract talented ball handlers who can make any crowd laugh and completely forget the overall score of a game.
There are many great clips of the Globetrotters so please feel free to watch more in addition to the following:
I'm still waiting for them to call me. Apparently they're not in the market for a 5'9" white kid.
Disney's first ever feature length cartoon, Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs premiered in 1937. If you're anything like me, I'm sure you're wondering how their young lives turned out. Assuming they were all around the ages of 23-26, that makes them about 98 years of age (only 45 in human years).
Unfortunately, three of the dwarves didn't make it. I'm here to tell their story.
Don't do it Sneezy!
3) Sneezy -
The story of sneezy is quite sad. A couple of years after Snow White was resurrected by a kiss, Sneezy decided he also wanted to find love. Unfortunately, only male dwarfs exist so he was out of luck. Depressed and in a rage of emotion, Sneezy did the one thing that he knew would ruin him.
He found the pepper. Sneezy sneezed until he could sneeze no more.
2) Grumpy -
Grumpy grew tired of everyday activities. One can only whistle while they work for so long. Looking for new challenges abroad, Grumpy read over an advertisement for a casting call for the newest Lord of the Rings movie.
Peter Jackson found his acting skills a bit subpar but decided to keep him on as Gimli's stunt double. Grumpy was well... grumpy over this decision and decided to take matters into his own hands and kill the actor who won the Gimli role.
Little did he know the real Gimli was practicing axe moves when Grumpy barged in. It was not a pretty sight.
1) Dopey -
Dopey, although pleased with his new fame, lacked one thing that all the other dwarves had. A magnificent beard. Or any beard at all. He had tried gluing bird feathers to his chin and applying Rogaine but still, no luck.
More like Do'h!pey
It was at this moment that Dopey felt he had nowhere else to turn but to seek the guidance of the forbidden magical mushroom. Dopey ate many a mushroom and all at once it became so clear. The only way to grow a beard was to spread honey on his face.
He headed to the nearest bee hive to obtain honey and was stung several times by bees. Empowered from tripping on shrooms, he perservered, got his needed honey, and headed to an open field where he fell into a deep, magical mushroom-induced sleep.
Winnie the Pooh smelled the honey from miles away and licked it from his face. Dopey awoke and to his horror a Pooh was licking his face. Blinded by Pooh saliva, Dopey ran right off a cliff.
When a musical artist runs into a writer's block, (ouch! ....... I apologize for that joke) they often turn to everyday occurences or whatever is moving them at that moment as a source of inspiration. This is why there are so many songs about specific girl's names, break up stories, and getting drunk.
All of those are directly related. You fall in love with a girl, her name is the title of your song. You break up with a girl, and you're so overwhelmed with emotion you come up with a brilliant song title like American Hi Fi's, "The Breakup Song."
And finally, like any self respecting man, you drink away all of your problems and use the drink as a song title. Now, this drink is your new girlfriend. At least for now.
Here are the best:
1) Reel Big Fish, "Beer"
Then again, most artists don't really write about their feelings so I've decided to compile the top 4 songs about alcoholic beverages. And instead of being emotionally deep, they're quite the opposite.
4) Ying Yang Twins, "Grey Goose"
Maybe one day someone will understand my reference at a party when I say, "Aint no Koolaid in my cup." But I doubt it.
3) Shwayze, "Corona And Lime"
That moustache can really sing.
2) Snoop Dogg, "Gin And Juice"
I'm always cranking this song whenever I'm driving with the windows down. As long as I'm in my white-suburban neighborhood.
1) G. Love & Special Sauce, "Cold Beverage"
G. Love earns the #1 spot because he shows that in order to write a great song about alcohol, one must also include non-alcoholic beverages for the kiddies. Thanks G. Love!!
I've compiled some of the greatest clips from the voice of a generation.
4) John Madden, the linguist:
And don't even get him started on bootleg DVDs.
3) John Madden, the artist:
And it wouldn't be his last penis drawing. Go ahead, search 'John Madden Penis' on youtube. On second thought, that could be risky.
2) John Madden, the spokesman:
Boom! He also mentored the great Billy Mays.
1) John Madden, the philosopher:
Although I don't agree with the title of the above video, whoever posted that has a great ear. And I would like to thank them for preserving the greatest compilation of all time.
When Frank Caliendo does a spot on impression of someone it cements him in the history books forever. It just so happens John Madden is one of these people.
He also does impressions of George W, Robin Williams, and even William Shatner. Any time you can be grouped with those three, you know you've done something right.
Often compared to the epic symphonies composed long ago by those such as Beethoven and Bach, gangster rap is poised to live on far past the current generation. Artists such as Young Jeezy and Lil Scrappy cleverly combine similar themes of money, women, and how to survive in the world.
I'm sure at this point you're wondering, "How could I compose such a masterpeice?" Well, it's a good thing you're reading this. Simply follow my step-by-step guide and you'll have so much money you can throw it around in your music videos in no time!
And trust me, I'm the most gangster person I know.
Besides this guy:
1) Develop A Beat: Without a deep pulsing bass and at least 16th notes on the hi-hat, you have little chance of creating a great song. Then, if you ever feel the beat is becoming a little repetitive, just put in some gun shot noises. *Note: Using a real gun in the studio is not necessary, though recommended.*
2) Think Long And Hard About Lyrics: This is the most important part of any gangster rap song. First, think about what has been concerning you lately. Is it money, women, or a combination of the two? Once you have decided, make sure your words rhyme, (at least some of the time) and you're good to go.
Consider using an echo effect at the end of each phrase. If you repeat the same word, it rhymes twice!
3) Obtain a Catch Phrase: Some examples include, "Jeah", "Burrr", or laughing like a school girl. Be creative here because if it's good enough, pre-teen youths from suburbs everywhere will copy you. And that's where the money is.
Finally....
4) Get a R&B Singer to Sing Your Hook: If you can't sing, it's no big deal.
Stong. Intense. Intimidating. Hollywood badasses can easily create a nice career of doing action flicks. Unfortunately, some venture away from these to show their "softer" side. And unless you are a 16 year old girl, no one wants to see that.
Ah where to start?
3) Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson: After winning a national championship with FSU's football team, winning 16 championships wrestling as The Rock, and staring in a respectable amount of movies, The Rock had earned his badass title with ease. Unfortunately, this was all forgotten when he starred in last years film, "The Tooth Fairy."
Please allow me to copy an excerpt from Wikipedia describing the plot, "One night, Derek steals a dollar from his girlfriend Carly's (Ashley Judd) six-year-old daughter Tess (Destiny Whitlock) that had been left for her lost tooth. Later that night, he receives a summons under his pillow. He magically grows wings and is transported to the realm of tooth fairies."
I rest my case. The only thing The Rock should be doing "magically" is this
2) Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governator. Former Mr. Olympia and star of the Terminator movies. He can break you just by looking in your general direction. So why he would sign up for Kindergarten Cop is beyond me.
I'll let Wiki do the talking again, "Using his pet ferret as a class mascot, his police training as a model for structure of the classes, and positive reinforcement, he becomes a much-admired and cherished figure to the children."
I refuse to believe Arnie would ever consider having a pet ferret.
Especially a guy who can pull this off:
1) Vin Diesel: When one thinks of Vin Diesel, they usually imagine him jumping out of helicopters from xXx or driving way too fast in the Fast and Furious films. It really hurts me to have to mention 2005's family comedy, "The Pacifier." At first glance this could be ok. He must be like a rogue who has to "pacify" some evil group of criminals right? ....
You know the drill, "...and to look after the family's five children: ...The kids prove to be difficult to handle, even with the help of nanny Helga..."
At least the nanny has a badass name.
This is what we should all be seeing a lot more of (minus one of the worst comedians of all time at the end of the video).
Sure there are plenty of post-draft analysis out there but they all basically say the same thing. Not here. The Charlotte Bobcats had the best draft in 2011. Because even if you didn't draft an immediate allstar, you can't go wrong with someone named Bismack Biyombo.
Bismack Biyombo: I'm honestly jealous of this name. And having a 7'7" wingspan doesn't hurt either. My proposed nickname: "Otto Von" Bismack Biyombo inspired by the man pictured below.
Nice helmet.
And watch out for the Maverick's 27th pick in the 2nd round, his last name rhymin' archnemesis, Targuy Ngombo.
Their 9th pick in this draft was Kemba Walker: Not comparable in overall name awesomeness as Biyombo but you cannot overlook who his name rhymes with.
Unfortunately I can't take credit for the following picture:
Oh, and he won a national championship. Team owner Michael Jordan did a great job on this draft. Now MJ just needs to be convinced to hold him up like that before the first game and maybe put some paint across his forehead...
And I'd like to say sorry to the Bobcat's 39th overall pick Jeremy Tyler. The only unique thing about your name is that you have two first names.
I'll give him another double first named man ending in Tyler:
Since my junior year of high school I have worked at my local Chick-Fil-A and I can't complain. Well, actually I can but there is a lot to be happy about too. I don't want to bore anyone too much so I'll keep it to my top 4 perks and top 4 annoyances of being a "team member."
Enjoy. And to all of my fellow fast food, nay, "quick-service restaurant" (one of Chick-Fil-A's many taboo phrases) workers, keep on "going the extra mile." Because we all know that our minimum wage income makes us really care less if your fries are cold or if there are two too many pickles on your sandwich.
The top 4 reasons I still work at Chick-Fil-A:
4) The food - I have yet to meet anyone that cannot find one thing on the menu that they enjoy here. Even vegetarians can get a milkshake. Vegans... enjoy a side salad.
3) The regulars - They always know what they want and often have exact change. A win-win for us employees.
2) Fellow employees - Even if you would never be friends with these people in real life, you automatically have something in common when you're both getting yelled at for a sandwich that has butter on it when it wasn't supposed to. The following hour of making fun of said customer is priceless.
1) Spanish - My #1 perk. Almost everyone I work with is fluent in spanish and has no problem speaking just that to me. Not only do I get to hear this language at all times, I also get to learn useful things like how to call each other little girls or how to say, "I'm drunk." I find these much more useful to my everyday life than what we are taught in spanish classes. When am I ever going to need to know the words for abstract art, trigonometry, or flight attendant?
Now the fun part. My top 4 annoyances:
4) People who yell - Whether in the drive through or at the front counter, I can hear fine. If I say I missed a part of the order it's because I wasn't paying attention.
3) Night Owls - We close at 10 PM. Please don't come at 9:55 and order 4 milkshakes. And don't be suprised if the worker tells you, "I'm sorry our machine just stopped working." Not that I've ever pulled that one....
2) The indecisive - I understand if you don't know what you want right away. Just tell me that. That would spare me having to recite the countless prompting phrases of, "Anything else?" or "Will that be all for you today?" And if I ask if you want any sauces and you say, "No, just ketchup..."
Ketchup is a sauce.
1) The rude - At times they can be fun to just smile at while they get more angry but usually they are just plain annoying. Don't tell me, "One sec." Because I know it will be at least a minute more before you end your phone conversation. Also please avoid, "Hang on..." because I'm not desperately holding on to a cliff overlooking an endless abyss.
Just sayin'.
Please enjoy my co-worker Miguel's favorite tune to sing whenever a pretty customer walks in:
Truth be told, I feel bad for the last post. Now that you have songs that are bad but annoyingly catchy stuck in your head, I've decided to provide some medication. Enjoy my current top 5 reggae jams from a white boy who wishes he could pull off some dreadlocks.
A little bit of roots reggae, little bit of what I like to call progressive reggae, and a whole lot of awesome. These songs will help you enjoy your summer.
So sit back and just
Chill out mon' cause there's 'no problem' with the following tracks:
5) The Expendables, Sacrifice
4) Put this on a burned CD for your girl and it's a done deal.
Katchafire, Hey Girl
3. Passafire, Kilo
I had to do a live version for Passafire seeing as they are hands down the best concert I've been to (twice now).
2. These guys are no slouch in concert either:
Soja, I Don't Wanna Wait
1. And my current favorite......
Tribal Seeds, All I Know
Tribal Seeds are touring now and I'm seeing them in July. To say that I am excited is an enormous understatement.
Oh and how could a list of reggae songs be complete without a classic. From a TV show produced by a fellow Langley. From the opening credits...
Honorable Mention from Cops:
Inner Circle's Bad Boy's:
That song in particular really speaks to me and my way of life.
Rastaman Drew signing off hoping your day has been brightened.
