5 Sports Redefined

For your pleasure, I have scoured the internet and put together a top 5 unlike any other. The following men have two things in common.

One, they have incomparable skill at their respective sports. I'm talking things that would drive the average person crazy because even if you practiced everyday, you would have half their talent.

And two, they actually look like they are having fun doing it. Contrary to popular belief, you can still have fun while playing a sport even if you don't win.

Don't be fooled, although all of these athletes make it look easy, even a caveman couldn't do it.

5) Wiffleball Pitcher, unknown name

No mercy for the fat guy. Sad, but hilarious. Not that I or anyone else could hit those lightning-speed crazy-moving pitches. Since he has no given name in the video description there is only one solution. He's a freak wiffleball playing alien.

4) Football, Johnny Mac

I like the one where he throws the football really far and hits exactly where he meant to.

That guy holding the program at the beginning had to of hurt his hand.

3) Soccer, Jeremy Lynch

Balancing a round object (soccer ball) on another round object (human head) is never easy. Or even fun to attempt. Go ahead, get a soccer ball and stabalize it on your head for more than 3 seconds.

2) Tennis, Mansour Bahrami

Try to watch that video without smiling. Actually don't waste your time. I would pay more money to watch him play a comedic match than I would to watch the final at Wimbledon. Like $25 max though, because I'm broke.

1) Basketball, The Harlem Globetrotters

The original sports comedy act. Dating as far back as 1927, the Globetrotters attract talented ball handlers who can make any crowd laugh and completely forget the overall score of a game.

There are many great clips of the Globetrotters so please feel free to watch more in addition to the following:

I'm still waiting for them to call me. Apparently they're not in the market for a 5'9" white kid.

Where Are They Now? The Seven Dwarfs

Disney's first ever feature length cartoon, Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs premiered in 1937. If you're anything like me, I'm sure you're wondering how their young lives turned out. Assuming they were all around the ages of 23-26, that makes them about 98 years of age (only 45 in human years).

Unfortunately, three of the dwarves didn't make it. I'm here to tell their story.



Don't do it Sneezy!



3) Sneezy -

The story of sneezy is quite sad. A couple of years after Snow White was resurrected by a kiss, Sneezy decided he also wanted to find love. Unfortunately, only male dwarfs exist so he was out of luck. Depressed and in a rage of emotion, Sneezy did the one thing that he knew would ruin him.

He found the pepper. Sneezy sneezed until he could sneeze no more.

2) Grumpy -

Grumpy grew tired of everyday activities. One can only whistle while they work for so long. Looking for new challenges abroad, Grumpy read over an advertisement for a casting call for the newest Lord of the Rings movie.

Peter Jackson found his acting skills a bit subpar but decided to keep him on as Gimli's stunt double. Grumpy was well... grumpy over this decision and decided to take matters into his own hands and kill the actor who won the Gimli role.
Little did he know the real Gimli was practicing axe moves when Grumpy barged in. It was not a pretty sight.

1) Dopey -

Dopey, although pleased with his new fame, lacked one thing that all the other dwarves had. A magnificent beard. Or any beard at all. He had tried gluing bird feathers to his chin and applying Rogaine but still, no luck.

More like Do'h!pey

It was at this moment that Dopey felt he had nowhere else to turn but to seek the guidance of the forbidden magical mushroom. Dopey ate many a mushroom and all at once it became so clear. The only way to grow a beard was to spread honey on his face.

He headed to the nearest bee hive to obtain honey and was stung several times by bees. Empowered from tripping on shrooms, he perservered, got his needed honey, and headed to an open field where he fell into a deep, magical mushroom-induced sleep.

Winnie the Pooh smelled the honey from miles away and licked it from his face. Dopey awoke and to his horror a Pooh was licking his face. Blinded by Pooh saliva, Dopey ran right off a cliff.



The Best Songs About Alcohol

When a musical artist runs into a writer's block, (ouch! ....... I apologize for that joke) they often turn to everyday occurences or whatever is moving them at that moment as a source of inspiration. This is why there are so many songs about specific girl's names, break up stories, and getting drunk.

All of those are directly related. You fall in love with a girl, her name is the title of your song. You break up with a girl, and you're so overwhelmed with emotion you come up with a brilliant song title like American Hi Fi's, "The Breakup Song."

And finally, like any self respecting man, you drink away all of your problems and use the drink as a song title. Now, this drink is your new girlfriend. At least for now.

Here are the best:

1) Reel Big Fish, "Beer"

Then again, most artists don't really write about their feelings so I've decided to compile the top 4 songs about alcoholic beverages. And instead of being emotionally deep, they're quite the opposite.

4) Ying Yang Twins, "Grey Goose"

Maybe one day someone will understand my reference at a party when I say, "Aint no Koolaid in my cup." But I doubt it.

3) Shwayze, "Corona And Lime"

That moustache can really sing.

2) Snoop Dogg, "Gin And Juice"

I'm always cranking this song whenever I'm driving with the windows down. As long as I'm in my white-suburban neighborhood.

1) G. Love & Special Sauce, "Cold Beverage"

G. Love earns the #1 spot because he shows that in order to write a great song about alcohol, one must also include non-alcoholic beverages for the kiddies. Thanks G. Love!!

The Greatest Sports Announcer Of All Time

Mr. John Madden

I've compiled some of the greatest clips from the voice of a generation.

4) John Madden, the linguist:

And don't even get him started on bootleg DVDs.

3) John Madden, the artist:

And it wouldn't be his last penis drawing. Go ahead, search 'John Madden Penis' on youtube. On second thought, that could be risky.

2) John Madden, the spokesman:

Boom! He also mentored the great Billy Mays.

1) John Madden, the philosopher:

Although I don't agree with the title of the above video, whoever posted that has a great ear. And I would like to thank them for preserving the greatest compilation of all time.

When Frank Caliendo does a spot on impression of someone it cements him in the history books forever. It just so happens John Madden is one of these people.

He also does impressions of George W, Robin Williams, and even William Shatner. Any time you can be grouped with those three, you know you've done something right.

How To Write A Gangster Rap Song

Often compared to the epic symphonies composed long ago by those such as Beethoven and Bach, gangster rap is poised to live on far past the current generation. Artists such as Young Jeezy and Lil Scrappy cleverly combine similar themes of money, women, and how to survive in the world.

I'm sure at this point you're wondering, "How could I compose such a masterpeice?" Well, it's a good thing you're reading this. Simply follow my step-by-step guide and you'll have so much money you can throw it around in your music videos in no time!

And trust me, I'm the most gangster person I know.
Besides this guy:

1) Develop A Beat: Without a deep pulsing bass and at least 16th notes on the hi-hat, you have little chance of creating a great song. Then, if you ever feel the beat is becoming a little repetitive, just put in some gun shot noises. *Note: Using a real gun in the studio is not necessary, though recommended.*

2) Think Long And Hard About Lyrics: This is the most important part of any gangster rap song. First, think about what has been concerning you lately. Is it money, women, or a combination of the two? Once you have decided, make sure your words rhyme, (at least some of the time) and you're good to go.

Consider using an echo effect at the end of each phrase. If you repeat the same word, it rhymes twice!

3) Obtain a Catch Phrase: Some examples include, "Jeah", "Burrr", or laughing like a school girl. Be creative here because if it's good enough, pre-teen youths from suburbs everywhere will copy you. And that's where the money is.

Finally....
4) Get a R&B Singer to Sing Your Hook: If you can't sing, it's no big deal.

Just ask Ja Rule:

(Starts around 1:15) Enjoy!